Lord Platelunch

I was once interested in archaeology, thinking that I could work under my Uncle Belli who was excavating a site in Egypt. That quickly fell apart when things went wrong at his dig. This transcript of an interview my Uncle did will explain why my plans ended so abruptly.

“Thank you for taking time out from your work to talk to us today, Mr. Belli. It must be very exciting to have discovered this untouched Pharaoh’s tomb.”

“Absolutely. It’s a great feeling to see all your hard work finally paying off. It took a lot of patience for me to wait at my hotel downtown for these lazy workers to dig through all that rock. But, like I told them – getting there is half the fun!”

“Right. I understand we will be witnessing the opening of the tomb today. This is truly a historic occasion. Who knows what treasures will be found. Any worries about a Curse like the one with the King Tut dig?”

Of course I’m worried, so we’re taking it very seriously. In fact, at this very moment, we have a SWAT team going into the tomb first to ensure our safety. We’re not taking any chances.”

“A SWAT team?!? Are you insane?!?! What’s going on?”
[Sound of explosions, yelling in the background]

“It’s okay. They took the precaution of throwing in flash bombs to knock any undead off-balance. The battering ram has broken through so they’re going in now.”
[Sounds of smashing, breaking, gunfire, mass destruction in an enclosed space]

“But…those are priceless artifacts in there!! They’re being destroyed!!”

“Like I said, we’re not taking any chances. We put people’s safety first. If that makes me a caring human being, then I plead guilty. Maybe you need to rethink your priorities, sir!”

“You ARE AN IDIOT!!”
[ Sound of interviewer beating Belli with microphone]
END TAPE

As they say here in the Islands: dat Belli, he one lolo buggah!

I’ll have to close now – I can smell the huli huli chicken down the street. I’ll have to send my chauffeur to bring it back here.
- Honey! I need you to go get some of that chicken for me!
-
Aloha

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